Wondering Soul Inside

There was this insanity came over me recently, having bird’s eye view on myself. It’s like sitting on the rooftop and notice each n every movements of everything. Days are passing just like nothing; everything is so still calm that I often hear my heartbeats. I look at my hands, shivering though; feel the skin a gentle touch on my face ignites a spark, where on earth I am going! And at the same time I wonder some years down the line where I am going to be?

Traveling on DTC buses on this humid hot Delhi’s summer when temperature is crossing 45 degree Celsius like anything as like a normal thing to happen, then walking and looking at all the bandit queens with over-sized sunglasses gives a sensation inside my heart. A sensation of loneliness, of being left out of the race and at the same time telling me that you chose this path of being like this so why regretting of your decision.

Alas! Decisions are prone to accident like this, it’s the heart who has to sync with decisions’ else everything around us will look so deserted, so out of life.

And they say broken hearts are hard to repair that too if that causes coz of your decisions! There are so many other factors too. If that soul who is experiencing the foreign land with new companion, would have taken me into consideration or would have understood me or at least would have communicated consulted with me before choosing to go away, life would have been so different for me now. Off course I would have let the soul go on and move ahead. But cruel that soul chose to travel in two boats thus as they say ‘one foot cannot stand on two boats’ life bubbled up and left herself to float with the flow. And lucky that soul got to the shore and walked out happily towards a new life with brand new partner.

But what about those boats who stood with that soul all throughout, in happy times, in tough times! But then Who cares!!

A Note to Myself VI

In a mid of year 2014; it’s exactly the same how it started the year. Recent salary hike isn’t doing any justice to the pathetic life style. You know what, last night my room flooded with the tap water, that too me being inside. I was sleeping like hell, couldn’t even realize the sound of running water. I think I too was happy being flooded just like my Jaan must have got flooded at the same time, that too in foreign land (it was suppose to be the first night).

With that; there is no going out, no exploration though the ideas keep coming in my head but couldn’t plan right now. I have become so fearful and deary of myself that I am not able to realize what’s going on!

Recently I read Jiah Khan’s mysterious last letter posted on internet, man! How deep her love was that her own life was nothing. That made me thinking and left me sad.

So the SBI exam is coming up this month, as usual I am in a no mood to give it a do or die fight however at the same hopeful to do well.

Also, having a tough battle with this foolish bureaucracy to give me an identity a driving license or a passport or anything. Pity is I pay taxes to the govt. and they need a proof that I am Indian citizen to get these.

After living almost half of this year, what I have gained? I ask myself and the answer is nothing! It has been a sleep, get ready travel to work to work for 10-11 hours, just to go back to bed sobbing abusing. Where was the wrong I ask, what could have been done and how on earth I have come way too far with myself alone that I find nobody, not a single soul to tell me how it was!! Was my instinct wrong or I trusted the wrong soul to depend? That soul has landed to the foreign land leaving me all alone! Why I am adding it up? Do I need to let it go but how? It is a hard thing to do and looks impossible as of now.

Having said that though I have lost all the reasons of hope but somehow I have to keep breathing. Who knows what the morning will bring! May be a new me with bring new changes to myself, maybe a new energy flow will come, the new mornings ray of hope will bring a tide to wipe off all the memories just to fill up fresh breathings. But the ultimate question is when and how?